Thank goodness for the rain

I finally called Boss. We were going to meet up but it rained all day and she wanted to stay home. I needed encouragement, and I also needed stuff from my tack trunk, so I went to the barn and paced the arena when I finally convinced myself to make the call. I shouldn't have been so paranoid, having a giant argument built up in my head, but I was a nervous wreck. It's stupid, in retrospect, because if she would have been mad I would just have another reason to not work there. But she was totally understanding, which is great since I forgot most of my argument while I was talking. When I hung up, I just cried. Why? I have no idea. Hormones maybe. Or I'm realizing how much I stress about things that are no big deal, and maybe I was letting go of some of that. I had to go hang on a horse's neck for a while to pull myself together, and it worked as well as it could have. I didn't feel that internal warmth I would have if it had been Aladdin, and that thought almost made me cry more. I guess the rain covered that emotion for me, so I was able to pull myself together and leave.

I did go to the barn I work at and spent some time grooming the horse I'm currently favoring, but it didn't do much for me. I really think I need my own to take care of so I can feel useful again. Sure, I do things that need to be done and I care for the animals I work with, but I'm nobody's only momma, and I think I need that again. In the past, I never would have thought that I would value one of my animals over the others, but my cat and dog just don't heal my heart the way Aladdin did. They're more of a distraction. Maybe I put more time and effort into him, and we made more progress and that's what fulfills me, where I don't get that with my dog who is basically autistic and my kitten who knows nothing yet. I have made progress with Ducky, my Australian Shepherd, since she used to be basically feral, so I don't know why I can't just hug her and feel like I did when I hugged Aladdin. Am I not appreciating what I have enough while I have it? I know I appreciated every moment I had with Aladdin, and I'm trying to do the same with Ducky and Lyra, but it's just not the same. I wish I knew anything about living successfully with grief.