Dead Ends

I don't know what I'm doing. My work hours are different but I haven't really solved any of those problems. I finally saved a few dollars but it's almost Christmas and I've hardly gotten anything for my family. I feel good cleaning the house sometimes, but it's immediately messy again, both because I don't know what to do with things and my roommate never cleans anything. I just feel like I'm going nowhere. Like I'm wasting any opportunities I've had in school because I've forgotten a lot of my studies, and I remember much of my dance training but both of my ankles are messed up so I haven't really tried to dance since I graduated. I was riding the horse I like at work when I had free time, which I was given permission to do, but then I was told off for it. I could pay to lease him, but I'm not sure I could afford it. Even so, caring for him sometimes isn't the same as owning him and having all the say. Sometimes I really miss Aladdin.

Lyra is growing up, which is great because she is pretty good at cuddling sometimes, but it's crazy how little of the void left by Aladdin she and Ducky can fill. I've been trying to appreciate them more to lessen that hurt, but sometimes it comes back with a force. I thought I had my depression under control, but it seems like every time I tell my doctor I think the current care plan is working, it helps less and less. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

Sometimes, I think about certain TV shows, and how in them people always have friends who have other friends they can meet and start relationships with. I really don't have any of those friends. I talk to a few people outside of work, but I don't feel particularly close to anyone anymore. If it weren't for Ducky, who comes to the kennel with me most days, I feel like if I just up and left, no one would even notice. My roommate would eventually know to feed Lyra, but she's not here more often she is, so it could be ages before she knew I left. Not that I have anywhere to go or any money with which to do it, of course.

I just wonder, how do people get out of these slumps? I've been trying to find a more fulfilling job, but I keep hitting dead ends. I've spent more time with my family lately, which helps at the time I guess, but it doesn't last. Maybe that's why I'm here. Music helps me, but I don't know how to make it for myself. Dance and horses aren't really an option right now. I used to think I could be a writer, but I never really come up with anything original. I just vent and go on like I'm doing now. I used to think I could do anything with my life, but now I'm not so sure.

Thank goodness for the rain

I finally called Boss. We were going to meet up but it rained all day and she wanted to stay home. I needed encouragement, and I also needed stuff from my tack trunk, so I went to the barn and paced the arena when I finally convinced myself to make the call. I shouldn't have been so paranoid, having a giant argument built up in my head, but I was a nervous wreck. It's stupid, in retrospect, because if she would have been mad I would just have another reason to not work there. But she was totally understanding, which is great since I forgot most of my argument while I was talking. When I hung up, I just cried. Why? I have no idea. Hormones maybe. Or I'm realizing how much I stress about things that are no big deal, and maybe I was letting go of some of that. I had to go hang on a horse's neck for a while to pull myself together, and it worked as well as it could have. I didn't feel that internal warmth I would have if it had been Aladdin, and that thought almost made me cry more. I guess the rain covered that emotion for me, so I was able to pull myself together and leave.

I did go to the barn I work at and spent some time grooming the horse I'm currently favoring, but it didn't do much for me. I really think I need my own to take care of so I can feel useful again. Sure, I do things that need to be done and I care for the animals I work with, but I'm nobody's only momma, and I think I need that again. In the past, I never would have thought that I would value one of my animals over the others, but my cat and dog just don't heal my heart the way Aladdin did. They're more of a distraction. Maybe I put more time and effort into him, and we made more progress and that's what fulfills me, where I don't get that with my dog who is basically autistic and my kitten who knows nothing yet. I have made progress with Ducky, my Australian Shepherd, since she used to be basically feral, so I don't know why I can't just hug her and feel like I did when I hugged Aladdin. Am I not appreciating what I have enough while I have it? I know I appreciated every moment I had with Aladdin, and I'm trying to do the same with Ducky and Lyra, but it's just not the same. I wish I knew anything about living successfully with grief.

If you see this, please offer your opinion.

I have a dilemma. I have a full-time job at a boarding kennel, but it stresses me out. I have a part-time job at an equestrian center, which I love, but currently I make less per hour. However, I get commission on my lessons and trails. So usually I make a lot more there. That's my Saturday job. I also have a position as a personal assistant that pays significantly more than the other two, but hours for that one are very limited. It seems pretty straightforward that I should cut down at the kennel and increase hours with the other two, but it's not that simple. 

The kennel is currently really short-staffed, and working there for three years causes one to become very attached to all of the regular animals. Leaving means I have no clue how those animals are doing and no ability to increase their quality of life, even if for only a few days. The Boss is quite the control freak, so animals aside, it's difficult working there at times because changes are never made when suggested, and having so few staff members means I can't just call in sick or ask for another day off. Not without a large blowup, anyway. Currently I work five days a week at the kennel, Saturdays at the barn, and I have one day off, and I do odd jobs here and there for my PA position. Did I mention the hours at the kennel absolutely suck? If I open, I might be off by 5pm, but usually it's more like 6. If I close, I sleep in a little bit, come in at 10, and leave after 7pm. Neither shift allows me to accomplish anything before or after work.

My biggest issue with this setup is being constantly exhausted, to the point where I come home and crash, so half the time I am fishing laundry out of the hamper because I don't have the time or patience to put it away, my house is a pigsty because cleaning requires energy and time I don't have, and my diet is hardly short of shit. I am beyond out of shape, which sucks because I could use my dance degree if I could get my body back, and I could seriously use that outlet for emotional release, but I don't have time or energy to work out. 

I would like to cut back at the kennel and increase other sources of income, but I don't know how to talk to Boss about it. We currently have one of two boarding managers on her way out, the other girl who does everything I do is taking her position (I'm supposed to be the third but not yet), and another boarding employee is training for reception as well. So is there room for me to not be there? No. The second current boarding manager wants to leave too, so that's not helping anything. Staying until I get a raise with management might sound good, but I've already been told my pay will cap pretty soon, and this place is so small there's no chance of moving up beyond that, plus I don't want to work my life away for the rest of time. Will I get an opportunity as a manager if I'm part-time? Who knows. Will Boss allow my to drop hours any time soon? Doubtful. What will happen for sure, though, is she'll be pissed at me, and the place isn't big enough for us to avoid each other much. 

So what do I do? How do I discuss any of this with Boss? What really sucks is we're coming up on the holidays, which means the kennel will be super busy and every employee will be needed as much as possible. I love holiday pay as much as anyone else, but I'm kind of sick of missing out on all the family gatherings because of work. Also, this has been plaguing me for months now, and one time I was so exhausted I overslept my shift by 4 hours, at which point a coworker walked into my bedroom to wake me up, but I didn't even recognize her when I woke up. That was scary, and hasn't happened since, but I tend to pull all-nighters now before I open to make sure I can be at work before 7am. I can't do this forever. I just don't know how to get out of the situation.