I don't know what I'm doing. My work hours are different but I haven't really solved any of those problems. I finally saved a few dollars but it's almost Christmas and I've hardly gotten anything for my family. I feel good cleaning the house sometimes, but it's immediately messy again, both because I don't know what to do with things and my roommate never cleans anything. I just feel like I'm going nowhere. Like I'm wasting any opportunities I've had in school because I've forgotten a lot of my studies, and I remember much of my dance training but both of my ankles are messed up so I haven't really tried to dance since I graduated. I was riding the horse I like at work when I had free time, which I was given permission to do, but then I was told off for it. I could pay to lease him, but I'm not sure I could afford it. Even so, caring for him sometimes isn't the same as owning him and having all the say. Sometimes I really miss Aladdin.
Lyra is growing up, which is great because she is pretty good at cuddling sometimes, but it's crazy how little of the void left by Aladdin she and Ducky can fill. I've been trying to appreciate them more to lessen that hurt, but sometimes it comes back with a force. I thought I had my depression under control, but it seems like every time I tell my doctor I think the current care plan is working, it helps less and less. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.
Sometimes, I think about certain TV shows, and how in them people always have friends who have other friends they can meet and start relationships with. I really don't have any of those friends. I talk to a few people outside of work, but I don't feel particularly close to anyone anymore. If it weren't for Ducky, who comes to the kennel with me most days, I feel like if I just up and left, no one would even notice. My roommate would eventually know to feed Lyra, but she's not here more often she is, so it could be ages before she knew I left. Not that I have anywhere to go or any money with which to do it, of course.
I just wonder, how do people get out of these slumps? I've been trying to find a more fulfilling job, but I keep hitting dead ends. I've spent more time with my family lately, which helps at the time I guess, but it doesn't last. Maybe that's why I'm here. Music helps me, but I don't know how to make it for myself. Dance and horses aren't really an option right now. I used to think I could be a writer, but I never really come up with anything original. I just vent and go on like I'm doing now. I used to think I could do anything with my life, but now I'm not so sure.
